Self-esteem

Sometimes I feel that I'm not worthy of any positive esteem.  I feel like since I'm not perfect, there is always 'something' that could have been done better.  I sometimes even beat myself up because I feel like I should have done more than I did. I'll find myself repeating in my mind things like 'I'm a bad person' or 'I'm flawed' or 'I'm irresponsible', and then, to top it all off, there is the overarching feeling that I somehow 'deserve' this sort of  negative self-talk.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, but its hard to change those negative self-feelings.  I'm afraid of something bad happening because I forget something, or screw something up, or whatever.  What might that bad thing be?  Who knows, the point is that its big and scary, and could come out at any time with just the slightest screw-up.  The negative self-defeating side of my mind loves nothing more than to imagine the various terrible things that might happen if I did just one thing wrong.

For example...

OR... in Layla scary dream land...

If you really think about it, there are a million bad things that could happen at any moment as a result of the slightest mistake or error in judgement.  BUT, what are the likelihood of these things happening?  Pretty dog-gone low!  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from imagining all the terrible things that could happen if I screw up.  I don't believe in myself to make sure terrible things don't happen--and so I feel that I always have to be extra aware and prepared for even the most extreme possibilities.  Since this just isn't possible, I tend to get myself all worked up and anxious trying to mind read and predict behavior.  Often to little effect.

BUT, I'm realizing and accepting what I've sort of known all along; that I can't control what anyone else thinks, or how they respond to what I do.  All I can control are my own actions and responses based on my own morals and ethics.  Not only that, but I can't control bad things, no matter how perfect I am!  Easier to type this out than to actually 'feel' it, but the ineffectiveness of my previous methods illustrate the urgent need to find some better way to imagine myself and the world in a positive light.

Since you've read to the end, here's a little treat that my psychologist suggested to boost self-esteem.

Give one complement a day.  
Do one thing for yourself each day.  
Be sure to write down, briefly, what you've done.