Control

Sometimes I wish I could have control over more things that effect my life every day.  Not only externally, but also internally.  When living with a physical or mental disability, it can feel like you are totally out of control of yourself...

Take, for example, an incident that happens to me all too often... falling.  Oh, I could not even begin to describe to you the numerous reasons why I fall.  Often many small reasons combine to disastrous effect.  My most recent was spawned by a combination of an overly excited dog, uneven surface, new shoes, the wind pushing me... who knows.  Thankfully I was wearing jeans or it could have been much worse.

3 days after the fall...

This rambling is not to get sympathy for a bruise since I can't really feel it anyways due to nerve damage, but rather to make a clear point about one thing I hate not being able to control: my body.  I used to be a fairly physically fit person who had confidence in my body.  I knew I could run/fight if I needed to.  Now I'm just a cripple who is lucky enough to be able to walk at all.  Now I feel vulnerable because I can't control my body.

I also hate it when I can't control my mind.  You know, when you have those thoughts that you KNOW aren't rational, but you still can't stop them.  For me a common one is, "oh snap, there is a somewhat overweight, olive skinned, bald man, and he could be dangerous"...

Naveed Haq--The man who shot me twice at work.  You'd be amazed how many people look sorta like this guy. 

Or, there are always the infernal self defeating thoughts that echo through my mind... "I'm lazy... I'm dumb... I'm  irresponsible...  I'm a failure... I can't do anything right... I never do what I say I'm going to do... etc, etc, etc".  I know these thoughts don't accurately reflect reality, but they still make me feel like I'm only slightly better than pond scum.  

Woo!  I'm better than pond scum... maybe... Crap, pond scum wouldn't doubt itself this much, would it???

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop those thoughts.  I have to admit that I can't control my mind...  which should be easy right???  But, maybe rather than getting annoyed at myself for having them, I should just accept that negative thoughts will happen, and try to focus more on 'small actions' that I DO control that would improve the situation.  I have to TRUST myself to let go of control. Acknowledge my thoughts for what they are--silly negative self defeating thoughts. Then maybe I can stop driving myself crazy obsessing over how to 'fix' my mind and get better control over myself and my emotions. 

Maybe just like with my physical disability, there are some things in my mind that I just can't control.  If I take the risk of walking, then chances are that I will sometimes fall.  If I take the risk of trusting--of letting go of control--then sometimes I might be disappointed by myself or others.  I just have to manage my risk, and accept what is.  I'm not crazy for doubting myself and feeling bad... what is crazy is expecting perfect control over everything in every situation.

<3 for reading to the end!!