Sometimes I feel that I'm not worthy of any positive esteem. I feel like since I'm not perfect, there is always 'something' that could have been done better. I sometimes even beat myself up because I feel like I should have done more than I did. I'll find myself repeating in my mind things like 'I'm a bad person' or 'I'm flawed' or 'I'm irresponsible', and then, to top it all off, there is the overarching feeling that I somehow 'deserve' this sort of negative self-talk.
Of course, I know this isn't the case, but its hard to change those negative self-feelings. I'm afraid of something bad happening because I forget something, or screw something up, or whatever. What might that bad thing be? Who knows, the point is that its big and scary, and could come out at any time with just the slightest screw-up. The negative self-defeating side of my mind loves nothing more than to imagine the various terrible things that might happen if I did just one thing wrong.
For example...
OR... in Layla scary dream land...
If you really think about it, there are a million bad things that could happen at any moment as a result of the slightest mistake or error in judgement. BUT, what are the likelihood of these things happening? Pretty dog-gone low! I know that, but it doesn't stop me from imagining all the terrible things that could happen if I screw up. I don't believe in myself to make sure terrible things don't happen--and so I feel that I always have to be extra aware and prepared for even the most extreme possibilities. Since this just isn't possible, I tend to get myself all worked up and anxious trying to mind read and predict behavior. Often to little effect.
BUT, I'm realizing and accepting what I've sort of known all along; that I can't control what anyone else thinks, or how they respond to what I do. All I can control are my own actions and responses based on my own morals and ethics. Not only that, but I can't control bad things, no matter how perfect I am! Easier to type this out than to actually 'feel' it, but the ineffectiveness of my previous methods illustrate the urgent need to find some better way to imagine myself and the world in a positive light.
Since you've read to the end, here's a little treat that my psychologist suggested to boost self-esteem.
Give one complement a day. Do one thing for yourself each day. Be sure to write down, briefly, what you've done.
Sometimes I wish I could have control over more things that effect my life every day. Not only externally, but also internally. When living with a physical or mental disability, it can feel like you are totally out of control of yourself...
Take, for example, an incident that happens to me all too often... falling. Oh, I could not even begin to describe to you the numerous reasons why I fall. Often many small reasons combine to disastrous effect. My most recent was spawned by a combination of an overly excited dog, uneven surface, new shoes, the wind pushing me... who knows. Thankfully I was wearing jeans or it could have been much worse.
3 days after the fall...
This rambling is not to get sympathy for a bruise since I can't really feel it anyways due to nerve damage, but rather to make a clear point about one thing I hate not being able to control: my body. I used to be a fairly physically fit person who had confidence in my body. I knew I could run/fight if I needed to. Now I'm just a cripple who is lucky enough to be able to walk at all. Now I feel vulnerable because I can't control my body.
I also hate it when I can't control my mind. You know, when you have those thoughts that you KNOW aren't rational, but you still can't stop them. For me a common one is, "oh snap, there is a somewhat overweight, olive skinned, bald man, and he could be dangerous"...
Naveed Haq--The man who shot me twice at work. You'd be amazed how many people look sorta like this guy.
Or, there are always the infernal self defeating thoughts that echo through my mind... "I'm lazy... I'm dumb... I'm irresponsible... I'm a failure... I can't do anything right... I never do what I say I'm going to do... etc, etc, etc". I know these thoughts don't accurately reflect reality, but they still make me feel like I'm only slightly better than pond scum.
Woo! I'm better than pond scum... maybe... Crap, pond scum wouldn't doubt itself this much, would it???
No matter how hard I try, I can't stop those thoughts. I have to admit that I can't control my mind... which should be easy right??? But, maybe rather than getting annoyed at myself for having them, I should just accept that negative thoughts will happen, and try to focus more on 'small actions' that I DO control that would improve the situation. I have to TRUST myself to let go of control. Acknowledge my thoughts for what they are--silly negative self defeating thoughts. Then maybe I can stop driving myself crazy obsessing over how to 'fix' my mind and get better control over myself and my emotions.
Maybe just like with my physical disability, there are some things in my mind that I just can't control. If I take the risk of walking, then chances are that I will sometimes fall. If I take the risk of trusting--of letting go of control--then sometimes I might be disappointed by myself or others. I just have to manage my risk, and accept what is. I'm not crazy for doubting myself and feeling bad... what is crazy is expecting perfect control over everything in every situation.
If you can't trust yourself, then who can you trust? A bit cliche, but this is too true. The only way to establish trust in others is to trust your own judgement of other people. This isn't just following your gut, but also being able to interpret events and actions when deciding who to place trust in (and what sorts of trust to place in which people!).
One thing I talked about with my psychologist this week should have been blatantly obvious, but somehow I'd never consciously considered it. Trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can trust myself (and others) with some things, but not necessarily with all things.
So, in an effort to define trust for myself, I'm going to create some categories and try to determine where I can and can't trust others. Of course, not all of this is black and white, this is just a general guideline to make understanding trust easier for me.
Self:
I can trust myself to take care of my pets
I can trust myself to carefully consider all facts before making a decision
I can trust that I will always try to have empathy towards other human beings
I can trust that I am at least reasonably intelligent
I can't trust myself to always be right
I can't trust my body to not hurt
I can't trust myself with physical work
I can't trust myself to remember things and do them
I can't trust myself with money
Friends
I can trust my friends to have some empathy for me
I can trust my friends to do their best to help me out
I can trust that my friends give me good advice (in their own opinion)
I can trust that my friends want to hang out with me
I can't trust my friends to always be there for me
I can't trust friends not to judge me for my problems
I can't trust my friends to be 100% honest
I can't trust friends always be right
I can't trust that friends will do what they say
Strangers
I can trust that most strangers don't want to hurt me
I can trust that strangers are mostly minding their own business
I can't trust that all strangers are friendly
I can't trust strangers with anything personal
I shouldn't trust a stranger's judgement of me
Family
I can trust my family to be there for me as much as possible
I can trust my family to help me (or be helped) financially
I can trust advice given to me by family
I can trust that my family loves me and would not intentionally be hurtful
I can't trust that my family will always be honest with me
I can't trust my family not to judge me for my issues
I can't trust that family will always do what they say they will do
I know I won't always be 100% right in all this, because every individual is slightly different. But this at least gives me a base line to start from.
It is also possible to use external things to help me trust myself more. For example, keeping a calendar would probably help me trust myself more to remember what I need to do.
I think the most important thing for me to keep in mind is that one failure doesn't necessarily mean that I can't ever trust myself (or others) in that area ever again. Patterns are what I need to look for, not single events. Trust is always evolving in many different areas. Some small and seemingly insignificant events may break trust more than other larger things. But, as long as I trust myself to make solid judgments based on the information I have, I should be able to use trust to my own advantage.
Biggles trying to teach about our so-called human trust!!
Let me give you a prime example of my thinking that seems to be a bit flawed:
Things are probably going to turn out badly. This might be because I screw them up somehow. But, more often it will be because of something entirely out of my control. It might be a drunk driver or choking on a pretzel. I wait every day for something bad to happen to someone I love. Or me. Because, it will. Maybe not this week, or next, but it will. Bad news happens. People get cancer, they die, they have surgery, they get in car accidents, they get shot. I know, because I got shot on a Friday afternoon. Twice. For no good reason at all. By a deranged man who was somehow hoping to end the war (in 2006) between Israel and Lebanon. I know there are other crazy people out there. I have to watch for them. I can't trust strangers.
I'm coming to recognize this is, apparently, typical thinking for someone with PTSD. I think the onset of my symptoms was delayed because I had 'hope' that somehow finishing my Masters degree would make things better. When it didn't, I lost my purpose. I still had pain, I couldn't work. I kept (and still keep) thinking "what next". My unconscious answer: "Wait for something bad to happen..."
Now, don't think that this is generally the dominant thought in my mind, but it is always there. Like a gnat buzzing in your ear. Sometimes it goes away for a moment, but then it comes right back. This continues until it gets to a point where you are dreading the return of the gnat, even when he isn't there. That's kinda how some of my thinking is now. And, it isn't like it comes all together (as above). It leaves little hints here and there in my mind and in my life. Expecting my dog to be dead when I wake up in the morning (and having nightmares of exactly that). My lack of effort to keep a close connection to many friends and relatives. Why develop attachment when something bad could happen to them, or when you might say something dumb to annoy that person and not even know what you did. My fear of responsibility. These are some of the puzzle pieces that I am slowly trying to assemble to make a larger picture of what is going on.
This blog helps with that--and so even though it seems like this talk is very negative, it helps to express what is going on in my mind. To come clean, so to speak, about my emotions and thought process--both with myself and with those who take the time to read this.
And, as always, I try to finish up with a video or two. This time we have a close up of our bog/pond and all of the wildlife that enjoys it.
Then, videos from Chuck's when it is actually busy--From both the employee and patron's perspective.
My video (more discrete so people wouldn't notice):
And then Nick's video from the employee perspective:
Life is good in it's own way... despite all my difficulties it still makes me happy to see the birdies in our pond and proud to know I played a small part in helping make Chuck's what it is today. I guess the message is that even when expecting something bad, never be blind to the good things in life.
Good things never come easily. The work for dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is quite a bit liking having to re-set a bone that healed incorrectly. You need a fresh wound that heals straight in order to have a chance of having real function again. If I want to get better, I have to re-live my experiences in the shooting, and the hospital afterwards.
On that note, last night I became aware of a possible small explanation of why I might have issues with taking responsibility for things. Lets go back 6 years ago, in my job at the Jewish Federation (insert wavy dream effects)....
Paging Rabbi White and paging Rabbi Black.... These were our code words. When used over the intercom one meant to evacuate the building by the front door, the other by the back door. I was a member of our workplace 'safety' committee (really a joke in retrospect), and we had discussed this plan. I didn't really feel that it would be smart to pick up a phone to announce something over the intercom when someone has a gun in your face. But, since we couldn't get a 'silent' buzzer system installed, this remained our only option if the worst happened. On that day, the worst did happen, and I couldn't remember which was the code word for 'evacuate by the back door'. I doubt it would have helped if I would have remembered--in fact, it might have made things worse if everyone decided to run to the front desk to ask me what I meant by the announcement (we never had any drills). But, because I couldn't remember, my only option was to put my hands up an do what he said (take him to my manager). I was powerless to stop him.
Despite remembering all of this in the past, yesterday I had a flood of emotion when I was thinking about it in relation to my fear of responsibility. I realized that my brain fart in that moment 'could' have potentially cost someone their life. It was my responsibility to make sure the office was safe. Seriously--it was in my job description. Even though I don't think I made any 'wrong' choices, I still feel like I failed my responsibility and people got hurt/killed. Then I felt guilty as I realized that perhaps if I had confronted him, or picked up the phone and screamed for people to evacuate through the back door because there was a shooter, then perhaps fewer people would have been hurt. I probably would have died--but I could have saved lives through my death.
I know this isn't logical, and I'd rather that anyone reading this doesn't try to convince me of my silliness (because I already know). We never had drills. I was relatively new at the job. It didn't even mater anyways. You can't change the past. Blah, blah blah... Thanks, I appreciate the reassurance. BUT, part of my PTSD recovery is acknowledging those feelings of failure; realizing that they is nothing to be ashamed of, and that they are normal in the circumstances I was in. It's normal to wish I could have done something to stop the shooter. But, there was no way I could have succeeded against an angry man with a gun. I knew that then, and I know it now. My only rational choice was to put my hands up and do exactly what I did. Whether or not I remembered which Rabbi to page doesn't even matter.
My belly heart (can you see it?) says Happy Mothers day moms!!!
P.S. I know this isn't really a 'positive' uplifting blog... but I try to keep things light. Thanks for reading :)
Yesterday was kinda weird--I accidentally totally missed 2 important doctors appointments and I don't know how I managed it. I mean, I knew that I had appointments on Wednesday. But, for some reason, I just wasn't thinking clearly about what day it was. When things like that happen, I tend to really get upset at myself and my failures. I think about all the other times I've missed appointments, and start doubting my ability to cope with 'life'. I mean, if I can't even remember important appointments that were on my calendar and I 'knew' were happening, then what 'can' I do?
But, then I have to remind myself that we are all human, and I was actually working most of the morning yesterday. In fact, I suspect that I was so worried about having to work, that I totally forgot my other appointments. Working tends to make me really worked up and anxious because I have to be 'responsible' for someone else's stuff and money and business. Anxiety destroys my memory as it tends to discourage 'thought' and encourage 'fight or flight' type hormones. This makes it much more likely that I will somehow miss my appointments.
The anxiety isn't really rational, so I hate to acknowledge it, but it is consistent and powerful, so something deeper must be going on. Since it is affecting my life, I 'have' to acknowledge and accept those feelings of anxiety. The question is, are those feelings worth the one day a week of work? And, is working at Chuck's helping me to overcome those feelings of anxiety? Right now, I don't feel like it does--though it does make me face my fears and overcome them. Just not sure if its worth the cost on my life, especially since I don't really know 'why' it is that I am so anxious about working and don't know how to fix the problem. I won't be able to work once I get my pension from L&I anyways, so why not just quit? But, I feel a need to challenge myself, and it is a challenge. Maybe I just shouldn't schedule appointments on the same day that I work... or maybe I should just volunteer more!
Updated Goal: Pushups
Did my pushups late last night (but I did get them done!). I did a total of 71 pushups in 5 sets (14, 16, 12, 12, 17). Also did some situps and other exercises, but not as much as I would have liked.
Goal: Try to cook at least once or twice a week.
We have been doing theme weeks to try to reduce waste, and that has been going well. This week's theme is Greek food, so last night I made some Greek Lasagna that I always enjoy.
Video of part of the assembly:
The finished product... mmm, delicious feta cheese!!
Over the last few years, I've been struggling more and more with my ability to motivate myself to do unpleasant, but necessary tasks. The conversation in my brain goes something like this:
Me 1: Hey, I feel obligated to do some undesirable chore today because I need to work and get off my butt and stay active and be motivated. I won't become motivated by doing nothing!
Me 2: Umm, but that's silly. I hurt. And, I have sooooo many chores to do that I'll never be able to finish them all. I'm discouraged and I don't want to do anything because dealing with pain every moment of every day is an undesirable chore on its own. Why should I have to do other stuff on top of just managing my pain?
And then, because I feel guilty and know I need to do something, I 'try' to do what I can, and typically struggle through it only after much effort. I end almost every day disappointed with the amount of chores I've done, and am then even more discouraged the next day when the process starts all over again.
I've been working with my psychologist to try to understand why I was, what I though to be, amazingly unmotivated and lazy. Well, turns out this is probably something called avoidance. It's a common problem in people with PTSD. Though mine didn't at first make sense to me because it isn't directly related to the shooting and trauma I went through. Why would I try to avoid doing paperwork and calling people?
With the help of the cognitive processing therapy exercises that my psychologist has been helping me through, I've come to have a somewhat deeper understanding of what exactly is going on. When I was in college, after my injury, I was convinced that once I finished my degree, my pain would be gone. Not only that, but I'd be back to work and wouldn't have to deal with all varieties of insurance people questioning me. Everything would be back how it was before I got shot. But then, when my pain wasn't gone and I couldn't work, my world started to crumble. My pain was (and is) a nightmare and I was allowing it to run my life. So, I started to avoid almost everything that was even somewhat unpleasant (because I already had enough of that with my pain alone). But, then I realized that I was starting to avoid living my life. I had to change.
Now, I'm trying to just limit myself very strictly with what I do. I make small goals, and take small steps. I do not want to over-do it and make myself hurt even more than usual. I make stretching and exercising a priority. I'm trying to avoid pain in a healthy positive way rather than through the weird emotional motivational self-defeating stuff that was going on before.
Who knows if any of this will stick in the long run, but at least for now, I'm feeling a lot better about myself and a lot more motivated to try to accomplish things.
First off, if you know me, skip this paragraph. If you don't know me, here's a bit about me: Search Jewish Federation Shooting Seattle, and an article on my thoughts One Year Later (Seattle PI). Of course, now its been almost 6 years from that fateful day when I was shot. But, both physical and emotional repair continues even now, though some scars will last me a lifetime. I'll truly never run again. I won't be able to stand all day. I have constant nerve pain. Those things, unfortunately, won't change that much. But, other things, like my outlook towards life and both physical and mental fitness are things that can be adjusted. I'm hoping to talk about that here. Maybe. Assuming I keep up with the blogging :).
Anyways, today is a beautiful day here in Seattle. High 60s, sunny, everything is bright green and happy and alive. With an average of only a few months a year of nice weather, its necessary to appreciate the warmth every chance you get. Started out my day with food, facebook and fitness. Gotta eat breakfast while checking facebook and playing facebook games (my guilty pleasure). Then it was time for my fitness routine.
GOAL: Be able to consistently push myself in the wheelchair as needed, without assistance, even on inclines. **When writing on this goal, I'll use the color purple!
I can walk for a short distance, but doing so, especially on a daily basis, tends to make my knees really start to bother me. My chance of falling increases the more fatigued I become from walking or whatever. So, I am trying to use the wheelchair more, which allows me to appreciate the good weather and maybe take the dog on longer walks (not that she would enjoy that!!). It would just be empowering to 'know' that I could get around as much as I needed in my wheelchair.
So, with that in mind, I've been using the one hundred pushups program as sort of a basis for a whole exercise program. The idea is that you do relatively low reps but a high number of sets until you are exhausted. For example, for Week 2, day 1, in the 3rd tier (I think I'm high tier because I do girly pushups!) I'll do 5 sets, with a 60 second break between each set.
14
14
10
10
(at least) 15
I used this as an example to do the same with several other exercises, like situps, curls, tricep extensions, wrist exercises, deltoid exercises, etc. I haven't actually kept count with any of these yet, I just do about 3-5 sets and exhaust myself in each set. I'm also doing this some with my legs, even though my main goal is to increase the strength and endurance of my shoulders and upper body.
I have an awesome camera on my phone, which I used to document some of the rest of my day. First, Nick (my wonderful hubby) and I went to the dog park to let our dog Hesse blow off some steam while the weather was nice.
Next stop on our way home was at Chuck's 85th (Chuck's Hop Shop), which is where Nick works. Monday is tip day, and now that the credit card machine works they are making the big bucks! We have shared videos of the store in the past, but here is a more recent update since we have been expanding the beer selection.
Finally, we arrived back at home and my friend Dillinger came over to borrow my fax machine and printer. While he was working on that, and Nick was cooking, I decided to do a quick video tour of the apartment, including a description of the sky chair.
Played a little Diablo II with Dillinger and Nick after that. Diablo II is a simple point and click, co-op, role playing game where you level up your character and customize your skills to best kill enemies and get awesome loot from them. Probably a bad description, but its all I can come up with. It's a good game to play on co-op :).
Now Nick is off at work and Dillinger has left. Just me and the critters at the house. Probably a chill afternoon, with a little tidying, but mostly sedentary work/games. My to do list includes showering, eating dinner, relaxing, stretching, reading... hrmm, and I think that's really it.
Hesse on the couch after a long day at the dog park. Take special note of her foot propped up into what seems to be her 'comfy' position!
Biggles in one of his preferred nap spots. In the late afternoon the sun will shine down on him as he sleeps.
Me in my comfy sweater as I type this right now. Right this moment!
