What gives a person value?

I haven't written in a while.  Oops.  No excuses here.  I've been up and down in mood--and very much struggling to find contentment with myself.  It seems that the foundation of that lies, at least in part, with finding out what gives a person value.  I thought I would jot some notes to myself, and then realized, why not make it into a blog post :).

So, I'm here to pose a question to myself, and in the process, ask all of you the same:

What is it that gives a person value?

My first gut response is their work ethic/being a hard worker.  Unfortunately, some of us don't have jobs, so it is hard to demonstrate our work ethic.

Maybe it is how they give back, or what they produce? These, after all, are the things that have some sort of permanence in our world, even when we are gone.  But, that assumes some level of skill that would allow one to give back.

Then what about education and money?  But, the ignorant and poor have value.

Bootstraps McGee

These responses assume that the value of a person is in what they do, not in who they are.  Put another way--their value comes from external sources rather than from a general sense and acceptance of your own internal balance.

I never really think much about how someone can be valuable just for being who they are.  Which tends to make it tough for me to see value in myself, as I'm often stuck thinking about how if only I tried harder, somehow, I'd be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I'm not successful, don't have a job, don't really do anything for society, don't contribute.  If anything, I'm a burden, because YOUR tax dollars go to support my lifestyle.

But, that is just silly-talk because I know that I have value as a person, and not only because my heart is beating.

So, what else gives a person value? What to I value, personally?

I value truth-tellers, who are generally at peace with themselves and the world and able to accept reality
I value people with the spark of curiosity; who want to figure things out and make them better
I value those who care about others over the long term--short term aid is easy to give in a time of crisis
I value the person who works as hard as they reasonably can within their abilities and talents
I value the less fortunate, because they understand being judged unfairly by others
I value those with a passion for life, even when life kicks em when they are down

I'm sure I could go on, and if we (the internetz) put our minds to it, I'm sure we could list a whole plethora of things that give people value.  But, I don't know that it really matters what 'defines' value because value has to come from within.  If I don't feel I'm valuable on my own, it doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm worthwhile as a person.  Don't get me wrong, it is nice to be reminded by others that I have value--but that is only a temporary fix.

It is somewhat ironic that I really don't trust most people, and yet I depend on others for my own sense of self-worth (even if it is temporary).  I'm dependent on others for as long as I need something external for a 'fix' of self-confidence.  This is one thing I need to be able to control, on my own.  What is more 'me' than my own sense of what makes me valuable as a person?

Gun Control

This isn't a fun post, and for that I apologize, but I'm writing this because last week, after the Colorado shootings, I had a very rude response by another fellow shooting victim because I posted something on Facebook that wasn't about gun control.  She said I was delusional for not being focused on gun control.  To make sure it's clear, I'm speaking as someone who was shot twice by someone who purchased their handguns legally--despite being treated for mental illness.   So, I'd really like to explain my thoughts so that others can try to understand.

The gut reaction to mass shootings is just to make it so people can't get guns at all--but would that really stop the violence?  Someone could run people over in their car, make a bomb, stab people, use a cross-bow.  There are many, many ways that someone who wants to hurt people can get the job done.  Right now gun are just the easiest to access and use.

I think we can all agree on a few things:

1. Bad people shouldn't be able to get guns
2. Crazy people shouldn't be able to get guns

What we don't agree on is:

1. Handguns should be banned
2. Semi-Automatic weapons should be banned
3. Assault rifles should be banned
4. Everyone should keep guns locked up in their homes
5. All guns should be banned

So my question is how do we come together--come to some sort of agreement about what should be done.  It seems like we should focus on what we CAN agree on rather than what we can't agree on.  We all know crazy and bad people shouldn't be able to get guns--so maybe better background checks, mental health evaluations, required gun safety classes, etc.  Right now even people on the terrorist watch list can buy guns... something is just wrong with that!  It seems silly to focus on the things we can't agree on when there are some simple things we can do to prevent mass shootings.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't change other gun laws that we can't agree on.  I just think that focusing on what we can get done quickly and efficiently seems to be a lot more logical than fighting over what sort of guns/clips should or should not be banned.

The other thing I find to be annoying is that there are virtually NO support sites for people who have been victims of shootings (I'm considering making one).  If people are so concerned about gun violence, then why aren't they providing more long term support to shooting victims?

There will always be killers, always be crazy people, and humans are violent and vulnerable beings.  No amount of government control will stop this.  All we can do is treat our neighbors as we treat ourselves, prepare for the worst, and plan for the best.

It has been a while...

This is going to be the first in a set of my totally unprofessional observation on what exercises help with various common aches and pains.  It blows my mind sometimes how easy it can be to treat those nagging pains with a few simple exercises and stretches.  Before you walk, move, or attempt anything, please contact a very expensive doctor to give you real medical advice.  What I do have is years of getting professional physical therapy, and in the process, have learned a lot of little tricks that I want to share.  So take this for what you will...

Knees Hurt??

Unless you have a serious medical issue, there are a few simple things you can do that will 'probably' treat that pain.  If you have serious swelling/redness or are suddenly hampered and in pain, then you probably need to see a doctor.  In lieu of that, you can use some ice and keep it elevated and rest to see if that allows improvement.  Don't forget the anti-inflammatory medicine (my favorite is naproxen)!!

Once you are at a point where you are feeling 'ok' on your feet, it will be important to start with some gentle stretches.  I'm going to give you a few different ways to do each stretch.  Try one each day (or more!) and decide which is right for you.

I did my own drawings, but you should be able to do a quick search and find better stuff online.  There will also be a summary video at the end of each section.  I should mention in advance that my hips are hyper flexible, so if you can't quite do things the same way I did, that is probably normal!  Don't be afraid to ask if you aren't sure though!

All stretches should be held for at least 20 seconds.  I like to take two deep breaths in and out (usually ends up closer to 30 seconds).  The area where you should feel the stretch is circled in red.  If you don't feel a stretch, make sure you are doing it right!  Don't force anything, especially if it hurts!  

Quad:  This is the group of muscles just above your knee on the front of your thigh.  You can stretch laying down or standing up.  Don't stretch both legs at the same time.  Make sure you also keep your back straight, as if these muscles are tight, the temptation is to arch your back instead of stretch the quads.

Don't try to do both legs at the same time--especially if you are standing!

Calf:  The muscles on the back of your lower leg.  It is important to keep your heel on the floor when you do this stretch.

IT Band:  This is a long connective tissue that runs from your hip down to your knee.  If the front, outside part of your quad muscle aches, it is probably from inflammation of your IT band.  I will admit, this one was tough to draw, but a quick google search for IT band stretches should turn up better images!

Hamstrings:

This is the big muscle group that runs all the way from your butt down to the heel of your foot.  You may be familiar with the common 'touching your toes' hamstring stretch from school.  Here are a few alternatives...

Hip Flexor:

The hip flexors helps you pull your knee up to your face.  It is an often forgotten muscle group and is crucial to stretch!

Glute Stretch:

Your glutes are the muscles in your butt area.  This is one muscle group where you might want to consider doing more than just one stretch--especially if you find that each stretch is felt in a slightly different area.

If you are confused, just google glute stretch images and you should find plenty of better examples!!

Inner/Outer Thigh:

These are actually some very important knee stabilization muscles that are also often forgotten.  You should feel the stretch on the inside and outside of your thigh.

Good luck with the stretching!  Remember, it should be something that is relaxing.  You can do it watching TV, while meditating, while working, really anytime.  The most difficult thing to find is space, but if you find yourself cramped, trying doing the stretches on your bed--most of them will work 'ok' on a bed.  Please let me know if I said something or did something wrong (which is highly likely given my splotchy knowledge of human anatomy).  Ask if you have questions!

Bad things happen...

Why do senseless acts of violence happen?  There really can't be any answer for that--that is why they are called senseless.  You can't 'really' avoid them, or stop them.  They just are.  The vast majority of people do not have hurtful intentions, but unfortunately there is no consistent way to control or stop the small number who do.  And, I would think we can all agree that someone with senseless hurtful intentions is almost definitely going to have some sort of mental illness.  Why else would they want to hurt people?  If this is true, it seems to me that we all have to accept the fact that sometimes violent people are going to hurt innocent others.  And, that innocent other could be you.

It never happened... Until now...

Now, this isn't to try to scare you (or me). This is actually a therapeutic realization, because it is realistic.  Bad things sometimes happen that are just totally out of your ability to control or stop.  Bad things don't happen because someone did something wrong or was stupid.  I mean, sometimes smart behavior can prevent problems, but when someone is just crazy violent mad they are going to find a way to hurt someone. This is just a sad fact of life.  Just like the sad fact that the summer hasn't started yet in Seattle.  Some things are just forces of nature that we can not control or prevent.  This isn't to say I don't want things to change, because I'd do about anything to either end all violence.... or have a warm sunny day :).  


Now, we all know that the chance of being a victim of one of these random senseless acts of violence is probably worse than your odds of winning the lottery.  But, it CAN and WILL happen to someone, somewhere.  There is no person or entity (police/govt/etc) with the power to predict, prevent, avoid, or control all random acts of violence.

So what does that say about our safety?  Well, it says that we can never be 100% safe.  That shouldn't be a surprise.  Bad things sometimes just happen.  It sucks.  It is smart to try to prevent and plan for bad things, but that doesn't somehow make you safe or invincible.  Strangely enough, this knowledge actually makes me feel more safe rather than less.  For a person who likes to control things, this is a huge huge relief, because it means that even if I were perfectly in control, I could still be a victim.  So, that means that obsessing over being in control and aware of a situation doesn't matter, which frees me up to think about other things.  Like how much I'd love for summer to start here in Seattle!!!

Even Super-man is vulnerable to things beyond his control...

Life Updates...

My mom reminded me that it would be good to have some updates on some of the different things I've talked about here.

My mood has been swinging quite a bit, from content-ish to miserable.  Not sure what exactly triggers these swings, so I'm trying to pay more attention.  I suspect it has something to do with finally accepting my disability and pain.  It's not going away.  It sucks.  I don't really know how to make my life any better.  I feel helpless. I can't control it.  I'm dependent on others.  And, all of that is ok.  It is what it is.  I'm not bad for having emotions.  Nothing is necessarily 'wrong' with me because I am sometimes sad.  I have to beat that into my head.  Or softly nudge it into my head in the kindest way possible :).  All that said, it makes it sorta tough for me to know 'when' I'm going to be feeling good or bad so that I can plan activities.  I think that's one of my biggest issues right now--I feel so trapped by my pain.    I have to figure out some way to both manage my pain, and do more.

Can chronic pain and happiness co-exist?

My chronic pain has lead to one good thing--therapeutic massage... oh its so so wonderful.  Makes me feel like all my muscles are butter... AND, the best thing is that my insurance covers it!  Just getting all the tension out is super nice, even if it doesn't make all of my pain go away.  Now, I get to go once a week for a while!  Woo-hoo!

I've cooked a few times since I last posted cooking pictures.  My latest was cooking what I like to call Cheesy Goodness.  Basically its a layer of potato slices, mixed vegis, another layer of potato slices all smothered in the cheesy goodness.  Cheesy goodness is basically heated milk with tons of cheese melted in and some spices :).  I sorta messed up my cheesy goodness this time, I think,  because I used 2% rather than whole milk (it was sorta watery at the end).  

CHEESE!!!!!

It has broccoli, so its healthy, right? 

I've also still been doing pushups, though I've had to stop increasing the number I was doing.  Right now I can do 30 in one go fairly easily.  That's good enough.  I already have trouble fitting my broad shoulders into my shirts--I don't need to be more buff.  BUT... I still need to work on my abs, which is tough since I really shouldn't do situps because it seems to really irritate my neck quite a bit. I've been doing flutter kicks, but not consistently.  I start physical therapy again in a week and I'm really looking forward to it!  I just have to remember to pace myself and not overdo it! 

And, speaking of not overdoing it, I've gotten rid of most of my stressful obligations at my job--no more stressing out for days about having to check my work e-mail. This has been making quite a difference, as I now can devote that energy to other things...

Like going on walks with Hesse and Nick at Golden Gardens instead of just sitting in the dog park!

My PTSD treatment is also coming to an end, and my next blog post will include a brief summary of what I feel about things now.  

Yup--she did this all by herself!

Life, Expectations and Responsibility...

I know it's been a while since my last post...  Once I started to realize that people were actually reading this, I got a little worried.  What if my writing was boring or nobody wanted to read it any more?  What if I offended someone?   What if I mis-spell something or miss a comma?

Then there was the recent Seattle shooting where 5 were killed.  Since that day, I've probably had twice as many nightmares and moments of panic.  In this shooting, an angry man who had been apparently shunned/kicked out of a cafe came in and shot 5 people (one survived), then drove downtown, and pulled another random woman out of her car and killed her.  This could happen ANYWHERE!  Urgg, I hate being reminded of the terror caused by random senseless acts of violence.  It happens in the city and the country.  There is no way to really prevent a violent person from buying a gun, and you can't legislate against that unless the person in question has committed a felony.  Changing the gun laws won't stop these random killings.  It 'might' help prevent some crimes, but I suspect that a violent person will be violent whether or not they have a gun.  Sorry for the rant--just needed to make that clear!

Then, as icing on the cake, my sweet sweet grandma passed away.  It was her time, and she was ready to go.  No need to be sad about that--but its still bittersweet when I think about how I wish I had called her more.

So, anyways, I've been getting less sleep, which makes me cranky, and much less in the mood for writing.... or reading... or just about anything other than just being pitiful and sad.

I've talked about my patterns of behavior in the past--getting excited about doing something, starting to do it and realizing that its more work than I can do, and then giving up on everything....

Step 1 of the cycle of doom

Step 2--the beginning of the end

Step 3--total exhaustion and loss of will-power

So, how do I break this cycle?  It's important for me to set some limits on what I do and do not do during the day.

I need to:

-say NO much more often
-reserve most of my fairly limited energy for things that I 'want' to do (otherwise I just end up resenting the            fact that I waste all of my energy on un-fun things)
-not give up too easily on something that truly interests me
-remember that it's ok to take time for myself each day

This will hopefully keep my to-do list fairly short and interspersed with fun things.  I also need to not give up! I just read a really interesting article about how failure and character development are more important than IQ when it comes to success.  It is important to realize that good things sometimes take hard work to achieve.  I want to work harder, but ONLY on things that truly interest me.  There is absolutely no reason to waste my limited energy on anything else!

Self-esteem

Sometimes I feel that I'm not worthy of any positive esteem.  I feel like since I'm not perfect, there is always 'something' that could have been done better.  I sometimes even beat myself up because I feel like I should have done more than I did. I'll find myself repeating in my mind things like 'I'm a bad person' or 'I'm flawed' or 'I'm irresponsible', and then, to top it all off, there is the overarching feeling that I somehow 'deserve' this sort of  negative self-talk.

Of course, I know this isn't the case, but its hard to change those negative self-feelings.  I'm afraid of something bad happening because I forget something, or screw something up, or whatever.  What might that bad thing be?  Who knows, the point is that its big and scary, and could come out at any time with just the slightest screw-up.  The negative self-defeating side of my mind loves nothing more than to imagine the various terrible things that might happen if I did just one thing wrong.

For example...

OR... in Layla scary dream land...

If you really think about it, there are a million bad things that could happen at any moment as a result of the slightest mistake or error in judgement.  BUT, what are the likelihood of these things happening?  Pretty dog-gone low!  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from imagining all the terrible things that could happen if I screw up.  I don't believe in myself to make sure terrible things don't happen--and so I feel that I always have to be extra aware and prepared for even the most extreme possibilities.  Since this just isn't possible, I tend to get myself all worked up and anxious trying to mind read and predict behavior.  Often to little effect.

BUT, I'm realizing and accepting what I've sort of known all along; that I can't control what anyone else thinks, or how they respond to what I do.  All I can control are my own actions and responses based on my own morals and ethics.  Not only that, but I can't control bad things, no matter how perfect I am!  Easier to type this out than to actually 'feel' it, but the ineffectiveness of my previous methods illustrate the urgent need to find some better way to imagine myself and the world in a positive light.

Since you've read to the end, here's a little treat that my psychologist suggested to boost self-esteem.

Give one complement a day.  
Do one thing for yourself each day.  
Be sure to write down, briefly, what you've done.  

Control

Sometimes I wish I could have control over more things that effect my life every day.  Not only externally, but also internally.  When living with a physical or mental disability, it can feel like you are totally out of control of yourself...

Take, for example, an incident that happens to me all too often... falling.  Oh, I could not even begin to describe to you the numerous reasons why I fall.  Often many small reasons combine to disastrous effect.  My most recent was spawned by a combination of an overly excited dog, uneven surface, new shoes, the wind pushing me... who knows.  Thankfully I was wearing jeans or it could have been much worse.

3 days after the fall...

This rambling is not to get sympathy for a bruise since I can't really feel it anyways due to nerve damage, but rather to make a clear point about one thing I hate not being able to control: my body.  I used to be a fairly physically fit person who had confidence in my body.  I knew I could run/fight if I needed to.  Now I'm just a cripple who is lucky enough to be able to walk at all.  Now I feel vulnerable because I can't control my body.

I also hate it when I can't control my mind.  You know, when you have those thoughts that you KNOW aren't rational, but you still can't stop them.  For me a common one is, "oh snap, there is a somewhat overweight, olive skinned, bald man, and he could be dangerous"...

Naveed Haq--The man who shot me twice at work.  You'd be amazed how many people look sorta like this guy. 

Or, there are always the infernal self defeating thoughts that echo through my mind... "I'm lazy... I'm dumb... I'm  irresponsible...  I'm a failure... I can't do anything right... I never do what I say I'm going to do... etc, etc, etc".  I know these thoughts don't accurately reflect reality, but they still make me feel like I'm only slightly better than pond scum.  

Woo!  I'm better than pond scum... maybe... Crap, pond scum wouldn't doubt itself this much, would it???

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop those thoughts.  I have to admit that I can't control my mind...  which should be easy right???  But, maybe rather than getting annoyed at myself for having them, I should just accept that negative thoughts will happen, and try to focus more on 'small actions' that I DO control that would improve the situation.  I have to TRUST myself to let go of control. Acknowledge my thoughts for what they are--silly negative self defeating thoughts. Then maybe I can stop driving myself crazy obsessing over how to 'fix' my mind and get better control over myself and my emotions. 

Maybe just like with my physical disability, there are some things in my mind that I just can't control.  If I take the risk of walking, then chances are that I will sometimes fall.  If I take the risk of trusting--of letting go of control--then sometimes I might be disappointed by myself or others.  I just have to manage my risk, and accept what is.  I'm not crazy for doubting myself and feeling bad... what is crazy is expecting perfect control over everything in every situation.

<3 for reading to the end!!

Trust...

If you can't trust yourself, then who can you trust?  A bit cliche, but this is too true.  The only way to establish trust in others is to trust your own judgement of other people.  This isn't just following your gut, but also being able to interpret events and actions when deciding who to place trust in (and what sorts of trust to place in which people!).

One thing I talked about with my psychologist this week should have been blatantly obvious, but somehow I'd never consciously considered it.  Trust doesn't have to be all or nothing.  I can trust myself (and others) with some things, but not necessarily with all things.

So, in an effort to define trust for myself, I'm going to create some categories and try to determine where I can and can't trust others.  Of course, not all of this is black and white, this is just a general guideline to make understanding trust easier for me.

Self:

• I can trust myself to take care of my pets
• I can trust myself to carefully consider all facts before making a decision
• I can trust that I will always try to have empathy towards other human beings
• I can trust that I am at least reasonably intelligent

• I can't trust myself to always be right 
• I can't trust my body to not hurt
• I can't trust myself with physical work
• I can't trust myself to remember things and do them
• I can't trust myself with money

Friends

• I can trust my friends to have some empathy for me
• I can trust my friends to do their best to help me out
• I can trust that my friends give me good advice (in their own opinion)
• I can trust that my friends want to hang out with me

• I can't trust my friends to always be there for me
• I can't trust friends not to judge me for my problems
• I can't trust my friends to be 100% honest
• I can't trust friends always be right
• I can't trust that friends will do what they say

Strangers

• I can trust that most strangers don't want to hurt me
• I can trust that strangers are mostly minding their own business

• I can't trust that all strangers are friendly
• I can't trust strangers with anything personal
• I shouldn't trust a stranger's judgement of me

Family

• I can trust my family to be there for me as much as possible
• I can trust my family to help me (or be helped) financially
• I can trust advice given to me by family
• I can trust that my family loves me and would not intentionally be hurtful

• I can't trust that my family will always be honest with me
• I can't trust my family not to judge me for my issues
• I can't trust that family will always do what they say they will do

I know I won't always be 100% right in all this, because every individual is slightly different.  But this at least gives me a base line to start from.

It is also possible to use external things to help me trust myself more.  For example, keeping a calendar would probably help me trust myself more to remember what I need to do.

I think the most important thing for me to keep in mind is that one failure doesn't necessarily mean that I can't ever trust myself (or others) in that area ever again.  Patterns are what I need to look for, not single events.  Trust is always evolving in many different areas.  Some small and seemingly insignificant events may break trust more than other larger things.  But, as long as I trust myself to make solid judgments based on the information I have, I should be able to use trust to my own advantage.

Biggles trying to teach about our so-called human trust!!

Expecting the worst, and living life...

Let me give you a prime example of my thinking that seems to be a bit flawed:

Things are probably going to turn out badly.  This might be because I screw them up somehow.  But, more often it will be because of something entirely out of my control.  It might be a drunk driver or choking on a pretzel.  I wait every day for something bad to happen to someone I love.  Or me.  Because, it will. Maybe not this week, or next, but it will. Bad news happens.  People get cancer, they die, they have surgery, they get in car accidents, they get shot.  I know, because I got shot on a Friday afternoon.  Twice.  For no good reason at all.  By a deranged man who was somehow hoping to end the war (in 2006) between Israel and Lebanon.  I know there are other crazy people out there.  I have to watch for them.  I can't trust strangers.

 I'm coming to recognize this is, apparently, typical thinking for someone with PTSD.  I think the onset of my symptoms was delayed because I had 'hope' that somehow finishing my Masters degree would make things better.  When it didn't, I lost my purpose.  I still had pain, I couldn't work.  I kept (and still keep) thinking "what next".  My unconscious answer:  "Wait for something bad to happen..."

Now, don't think that this is generally the dominant thought in my mind, but it is always there.  Like a gnat buzzing in your ear.  Sometimes it goes away for a moment, but then it comes right back.  This continues until it gets to a point where you are dreading the return of the gnat, even when he isn't there.  That's kinda how some of my thinking is now.  And, it isn't like it comes all together (as above).  It leaves little hints here and there in my mind and in my life.   Expecting my dog to be dead when I wake up in the morning (and having nightmares of exactly that).  My lack of effort to keep a close connection to many friends and relatives.  Why develop attachment when something bad could happen to them, or when you might say something dumb to annoy that person and not even know what you did.  My fear of responsibility.  These are some of the puzzle pieces that I am slowly trying to assemble to make a larger picture of what is going on.

This blog helps with that--and so even though it seems like this talk is very negative, it helps to express what is going on in my mind.  To come clean, so to speak, about my emotions and thought process--both with myself and with those who take the time to read this.

And, as always, I try to finish up with a video or two.  This time we have a close up of our bog/pond and all of the wildlife that enjoys it.

Then, videos from Chuck's when it is actually busy--From both the employee and patron's perspective.  

My video (more discrete so people wouldn't notice):

And then Nick's video from the employee perspective:

Life is good in it's own way... despite all my difficulties it still makes me happy to see the birdies in our pond and proud to know I played a small part in helping make Chuck's what it is today.  I guess the message is that even when expecting something bad, never be blind to the good things in life.  

Resetting bones (or emotions)...

Good things never come easily.  The work for dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is quite a bit liking having to re-set a bone that healed incorrectly.  You need a fresh wound that heals straight in order to have a chance of having real function again.  If I want to get better, I have to re-live my experiences in the shooting, and the hospital afterwards.

On that note, last night I became aware of a possible small explanation of why I might have issues with taking responsibility for things.  Lets go back 6 years ago, in my job at the Jewish Federation (insert wavy dream effects)....

Paging Rabbi White and paging Rabbi Black.... These were our code words.  When used over the intercom one meant to evacuate the building by the front door, the other by the back door.  I was a member of our workplace 'safety' committee (really a joke in retrospect), and we had discussed this plan. I didn't really feel that it would be smart to pick up a phone to announce something over the intercom when someone has a gun in your face.  But, since we couldn't get a 'silent' buzzer system installed, this remained our only option if the worst happened.  On that day, the worst did happen, and I couldn't remember which was the code word for 'evacuate by the back door'.  I doubt it would have helped if I would have remembered--in fact, it might have made things worse if everyone decided to run to the front desk to ask me what I meant by the announcement (we never had any drills).  But, because I couldn't remember, my only option was to put my hands up an do what he said (take him to my manager).  I was powerless to stop him.


Despite remembering all of this in the past, yesterday I had a flood of emotion when I was thinking about it in relation to my fear of responsibility.  I realized that my brain fart in that moment 'could' have potentially cost someone their life.  It was my responsibility to make sure the office was safe.  Seriously--it was in my job description.  Even though I don't think I made any 'wrong' choices, I still feel like I failed my responsibility and people got hurt/killed.  Then I felt guilty as I realized that perhaps if I had confronted him, or picked up the phone and screamed for people to evacuate through the back door because there was a shooter, then perhaps fewer people would have been hurt.  I probably would have died--but I could have saved lives through my death. 


I know this isn't logical, and I'd rather that anyone reading this doesn't try to convince me of my silliness (because I already know).  We never had drills.  I was relatively new at the job.  It didn't even mater anyways.  You can't change the past.  Blah, blah blah... Thanks, I appreciate the reassurance.  BUT, part of my PTSD recovery is acknowledging those feelings of failure; realizing that they is nothing to be ashamed of, and that they are normal in the circumstances I was in. It's normal to wish I could have done something to stop the shooter.   But, there was no way I could have succeeded against an angry man with a gun.  I knew that then, and I know it now.  My only rational choice was to put my hands up and do exactly what I did.  Whether or not I remembered which Rabbi to page doesn't even matter.

My belly heart (can you see it?) says Happy Mothers day moms!!!  

P.S. I know this isn't really a 'positive' uplifting blog... but I try to keep things light.  Thanks for reading :)

Doh!!

Yesterday was kinda weird--I accidentally totally missed 2 important doctors appointments and I don't know how I managed it.  I mean, I knew that I had appointments on Wednesday.  But, for some reason, I just wasn't thinking clearly about what day it was.  When things like that happen, I tend to really get upset at myself and my failures.  I think about all the other times I've missed appointments, and start doubting my ability to cope with 'life'.  I mean, if I can't even remember important appointments that were on my calendar and I 'knew' were happening, then what 'can' I do?

But, then I have to remind myself that we are all human, and I was actually working most of the morning yesterday.  In fact, I suspect that I was so worried about having to work, that I totally forgot my other appointments.  Working tends to make me really worked up and anxious because I have to be 'responsible' for someone else's stuff and money and business.  Anxiety destroys my memory as it tends to discourage 'thought' and encourage 'fight or flight' type hormones.  This makes it much more likely that I will somehow miss my appointments.

The anxiety isn't really rational, so I hate to acknowledge it, but it is consistent and powerful, so something deeper must be going on.  Since it is affecting my life, I 'have' to acknowledge and accept those feelings of anxiety.  The question is, are those feelings worth the one day a week of work?  And, is working at Chuck's helping me to overcome those feelings of anxiety?  Right now, I don't feel like it does--though it does make me face my fears and overcome them.  Just not sure if its worth the cost on my life, especially since I don't really know 'why' it is that I am so anxious about working and don't know how to fix the problem.  I won't be able to work once I get my pension from L&I anyways, so why not just quit?  But, I feel a need to challenge myself, and it is a challenge.  Maybe I just shouldn't schedule appointments on the same day that I work... or maybe I should just volunteer more!

Updated Goal: Pushups


Did my pushups late last night (but I did get them done!).  I did a total of 71 pushups in 5 sets (14, 16, 12, 12, 17).  Also did some situps and other exercises, but not as much as I would have liked.


Goal:  Try to cook at least once or twice a week.  


We have been doing theme weeks to try to reduce waste, and that has been going well.  This week's theme is Greek food, so last night I made some Greek Lasagna that I always enjoy.  


Video of part of the assembly:

The finished product... mmm, delicious feta cheese!!

Avoidance

Over the last few years, I've been struggling more and more with my ability to motivate myself to do unpleasant, but necessary tasks.  The conversation in my brain goes something like this:

Me 1: Hey, I feel obligated to do some undesirable chore today because I need to work and get off my butt and stay active and be motivated.  I won't become motivated by doing nothing!

Me 2: Umm, but that's silly.  I hurt.  And, I have sooooo many chores to do that I'll never be able to finish them all.   I'm discouraged and I don't want to do anything because dealing with pain every moment of every day is an undesirable chore on its own.  Why should I have to do other stuff on top of just managing my pain?

And then, because I feel guilty and know I need to do something, I 'try' to do what I can, and typically struggle through it only after much effort.  I end almost every day disappointed with the amount of chores I've done, and am then even more discouraged the next day when the process starts all over again.  

I've been working with my psychologist to try to understand why I was, what I though to be, amazingly unmotivated and lazy.  Well, turns out this is probably something called avoidance.  It's a common problem in people with PTSD.  Though mine didn't at first make sense to me because it isn't directly related to the shooting and trauma I went through.  Why would I try to avoid doing paperwork and calling people?  

With the help of the cognitive processing therapy exercises that my psychologist has been helping me through, I've come to have a somewhat deeper understanding of what exactly is going on.  When I was in college, after my injury, I was convinced that once I finished my degree, my pain would be gone.   Not only that, but I'd be back to work and wouldn't have to deal with all varieties of insurance people questioning me.  Everything would be back how it was before I got shot. But then, when my pain wasn't gone and I couldn't work, my world started to crumble.  My pain was (and is) a nightmare and I was allowing it to run my life.  So, I started to avoid almost everything that was even somewhat unpleasant (because I already had enough of that with my pain alone).  But, then I realized that I was starting to avoid living my life.  I had to change.

Now, I'm trying to just limit myself very strictly with what I do.  I make small goals, and take small steps.  I do not want to over-do it and make myself hurt even more than usual.  I make stretching and exercising a priority.  I'm trying to avoid pain in a healthy positive way rather than through the weird emotional motivational self-defeating stuff that was going on before.  

Who knows if any of this will stick in the long run, but at least for now, I'm feeling a lot better about myself and a lot more motivated to try to accomplish things.

A Snapshot into my Life

First off, if you know me, skip this paragraph.  If you don't know me, here's a bit about me: Search Jewish Federation Shooting Seattle, and an article on my thoughts One Year Later (Seattle PI).  Of course, now its been almost 6 years from that fateful day when I was shot.  But, both physical and emotional repair continues even now, though some scars will last me a lifetime.  I'll truly never run again.  I won't be able to stand all day.  I have constant nerve pain.  Those things, unfortunately, won't change that much.  But, other things, like my outlook towards life and both physical and mental fitness are things that can be adjusted.  I'm hoping to talk about that here.  Maybe.  Assuming I keep up with the blogging :).

Anyways, today is a beautiful day here in Seattle.  High 60s, sunny, everything is bright green and happy and alive.  With an average of only a few months a year of nice weather, its necessary to appreciate the warmth every chance you get.  Started out my day with food, facebook and fitness.  Gotta eat breakfast while checking facebook and playing facebook games (my guilty pleasure).  Then it was time for my fitness routine.

GOAL: Be able to consistently push myself in the wheelchair as needed, without assistance, even on inclines.  **When writing on this goal, I'll use the color purple!

I can walk for a short distance, but doing so, especially on a daily basis, tends to make my knees really start to bother me.  My chance of falling increases the more fatigued I become from walking or whatever.  So, I am trying to use the wheelchair more, which allows me to appreciate the good weather and maybe take the dog on longer walks (not that she would enjoy that!!).  It would just be empowering to 'know' that I could get around as much as I needed in my wheelchair.  


So, with that in mind, I've been using the one hundred pushups program as sort of a basis for a whole exercise program.  The idea is that you do relatively low reps but a high number of sets until you are exhausted.  For example, for Week 2, day 1, in the 3rd tier (I think I'm high tier because I do girly pushups!) I'll do 5 sets, with a 60 second break between each set.  

• 14
• 14
• 10
• 10
• (at least) 15

I used this as an example to do the same with several other exercises, like situps, curls, tricep extensions, wrist exercises, deltoid exercises, etc.  I haven't actually kept count with any of these yet, I just do about 3-5 sets and exhaust myself in each set.  I'm also doing this some with my legs, even though my main goal is to increase the strength and endurance of my shoulders and upper body.  

I have an awesome camera on my phone, which I used to document some of the rest of my day.  First, Nick (my wonderful hubby) and I went to the dog park to let our dog Hesse blow off some steam while the weather was nice.

Next stop on our way home was at Chuck's 85th (Chuck's Hop Shop), which is where Nick works.  Monday is tip day, and now that the credit card machine works they are making the big bucks!  We have shared videos of the store in the past, but here is a more recent update since we have been expanding the beer selection.

Finally, we arrived back at home and my friend Dillinger came over to borrow my fax machine and printer.  While he was working on that, and Nick was cooking, I decided to do a quick video tour of the apartment, including a description of the sky chair.

Played a little Diablo II with Dillinger and Nick after that.  Diablo II is a simple point and click, co-op, role playing game where you level up your character and customize your skills to best kill enemies and get awesome loot from them.  Probably a bad description, but its all I can come up with.  It's a good game to play on co-op :).

Now Nick is off at work and Dillinger has left. Just me and the critters at the house.  Probably a chill afternoon, with a little tidying, but mostly sedentary work/games.  My to do list includes showering, eating dinner, relaxing, stretching, reading... hrmm, and I think that's really it.

Hesse on the couch after a long day at the dog park.  Take special note of her foot propped up into what seems to be her 'comfy' position!

Biggles in one of his preferred nap spots.  In the late afternoon the sun will shine down on him as he sleeps.  

Me in my comfy sweater as I type this right now.  Right this moment!  

Cripple Extraordinaire signing off!