And now the good stuff...

So, my life isn't all sadness and drama and shooting nightmares...  I'm working through a lot right now that I probably should have dealt with right after the shooting, and seem a little strange coming up 7 years later.   It is basically as if I had a broken bone that didn't get set right... if you want to get the whole limb working right again, you might have to re-brake the bone and set it right.  I'll be the last one to pretend that this isn't a painful process, but then again, I know there is no other way to let things heal correctly.   So, sorry if my last entry was a little morose and depressing.  To balance that out, I wanted to give an update on everything else going on in my life, as well as put in some real-life pictures instead of my usual stick-figures.

I had a birthday recently and have been able to take advantage of gifts to push me to find fun things to do with my time rather than just sitting around sulking.  As my psychologist likes to say, negative thoughts attract even more negative thoughts, so it is time to work on breaking that negativity chain by finding fun ways to keep myself busy!

Me, taking advantage of my free birthday hamburger and desert at Red Robin!

Firstly, I got a food dehydrator from my hubby, and I have been truly enjoying using it to make delicious treats.  Well, actually I've mainly been using it to dehydrate tomatoes to munch on and of course, to make beef jerky.  I even chopped up some strawberries and drained them of all of their watery life-force, then re-hydrated them in my stomach.  Mmmmm...

Beef Jerky in the process of drying, and some tomatoes from yesterday's work!

I'm using money to save for a fun mini-vacation this summer, and was planning to use the rest for a glass blowing class.  Unfortunately, the class filled up, so the next one isn't until June.  In the mean time, I've gotten back into learning German since Rosetta Stone now has a nifty app for my tablet.

Nick and I also decided that since we now have a yard, we have no excuse for not having some sort of small  garden.  Last week, when the sun was out, we got some little veggies and planted them.  Believe it or not, I had a ton of fun fussing with getting all the weeds out of the dirt :).  So, now we have some sweet snap-peas, edamame, sweet onions, romaine, and a tomato plant.  The cherry/pear/apple trees in the backyard are all blooming, though the rain and wind does it's best to dump blossoms all over the ground and garden.

The scraggly ones in the middle are onions--hope they perk up!!

We also got an indoor herb garden in a spot that gets tons of light though our kitchen windows!

Rosemary/Catnip/Sage/Greek Oregano/Purple Basil

Tea Time--beautiful new tea cup and some balsamic and olive oil to have with bread  :)  If I'm good, I'll eat a banana too...

None of this is to discount the feelings in my last post.  That is the dark side of my life, and very personal, but I choose to share it here in hopes that it might help others.  But, there is a light side as well, even if it is sometimes under the shadow of a cloud :).

Choosing to Live

Whew... life has a way of keeping you busy and distracted.

I've been in a bad place, really bad, for the last months.  The struggles I've mentioned in previous posts have come to a head like a giant zit on your nose the day of senior photos, or prom, or whatever your worst nightmare might be.

Stupid Zits, ruining everything!!!

I've had a pretty serious case of the "can'ts", that I have now come to recognize as full blown Post Traumatic Stress.  It just feels like anything I do, or say, or decide could lead to some sort of terrible thing.  The world is a scary place where bad things happen, and I seem to have a hard time seeing it in any other way.  I want to be in total control, so bad things won't happen, and that often leads to my not doing anything because I know I can't have that control and it terrifies me.

This is part of what PTSD does to you--your mind gets stuck in that bad place it was in at the time of the trauma, and trying to unstick it is about as hard as stealing honey from a grizzly bear...  Sometimes it is possible to live in denial and keep pushing through,(as I did very successfully for several years after the shooting) but generally trying to ignore bad emotions results in not being able to see or feel the good things in life either.

That Bear is gonna guard the honey with his vicious teeth!!

Unfortunately, if life seems bad (or at best grey), for long enough it makes it pretty tough to motivate yourself to do much of anything at all.  Inspiration is gone, and the "can'ts" come to get ya.  It is easy to get discouraged, then I end up feeling terrible about myself, which in turn leads to more self pity, doubt, indecisiveness, hopelessness and fear.  This, of course, makes the "can'ts" even worse, and a vicious cycle begins.

As the anxiety-driven 'excuses' mount, so does the self-criticism

I find myself looking for any way to avoid discomfort or difficulty  because I feel like my every day is painful, difficult and without reward.  I want a vacation from these feelings, but I can't get away from my own body or mind.  So, I get behind on almost everything and fail my friends and family in increasingly dramatic and annoying ways.  Unfortunately, despite knowing that this doesn't do anything to help decrease discomfort or difficulty, I still want that escape; the freedom from being me.  I want freedom from knowing that my decisions may have undesirable (and deadly) side-effects.  I want freedom from the physical and emotional scars left by the shooting.  I want to be able to trust again, and believe that the world can be a good place.

But, why the misery?  How did things get to this place?  Well, part of it is that I still haven't quite figured out what my 'new' identity is (a re-occurring theme in the blog, which is why I looked at values in a previous post).  Who am I, and what is important to me. Am I a cripple?  A shooting victim?  A lazy bum who takes advantage of the system because I feel sorry for myself?  All I know is that I still feel in my heart that I am just a normal person like everyone else.  But, physically and emotionally, I'm a changed person, and I have yet to accept the new hand of cards life dealt me.   Until then I may keep breathing, but I'm not really living.  I'm choosing to avoid life as much as possible because I have yet to relearn how to really live.

That said, things are on the up.  My new psychologist is amazing, and I've been learning more about self compassion from a book given to me by a friend.  I'm learning to be gentle with myself, to break the cycle of guilt, anxiety and the need to control.  I am choosing to live again, to feel joy as well as sadness.  And, I know I am not alone.  Choosing to live means taking the burdensome (but necessary) parts in stride and forgiving myself for my mistakes, while never forgetting that sometimes I do things well, and that some tasks can be fun.  Oh and I can't forget the need to play and relax on occasion :).

It is a difficult battle, and will take time, but I have confidence that I can win as I choose to live

What gives a person value?

I haven't written in a while.  Oops.  No excuses here.  I've been up and down in mood--and very much struggling to find contentment with myself.  It seems that the foundation of that lies, at least in part, with finding out what gives a person value.  I thought I would jot some notes to myself, and then realized, why not make it into a blog post :).

So, I'm here to pose a question to myself, and in the process, ask all of you the same:

What is it that gives a person value?

My first gut response is their work ethic/being a hard worker.  Unfortunately, some of us don't have jobs, so it is hard to demonstrate our work ethic.

Maybe it is how they give back, or what they produce? These, after all, are the things that have some sort of permanence in our world, even when we are gone.  But, that assumes some level of skill that would allow one to give back.

Then what about education and money?  But, the ignorant and poor have value.

Bootstraps McGee

These responses assume that the value of a person is in what they do, not in who they are.  Put another way--their value comes from external sources rather than from a general sense and acceptance of your own internal balance.

I never really think much about how someone can be valuable just for being who they are.  Which tends to make it tough for me to see value in myself, as I'm often stuck thinking about how if only I tried harder, somehow, I'd be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps.  I'm not successful, don't have a job, don't really do anything for society, don't contribute.  If anything, I'm a burden, because YOUR tax dollars go to support my lifestyle.

But, that is just silly-talk because I know that I have value as a person, and not only because my heart is beating.

So, what else gives a person value? What to I value, personally?

I value truth-tellers, who are generally at peace with themselves and the world and able to accept reality
I value people with the spark of curiosity; who want to figure things out and make them better
I value those who care about others over the long term--short term aid is easy to give in a time of crisis
I value the person who works as hard as they reasonably can within their abilities and talents
I value the less fortunate, because they understand being judged unfairly by others
I value those with a passion for life, even when life kicks em when they are down

I'm sure I could go on, and if we (the internetz) put our minds to it, I'm sure we could list a whole plethora of things that give people value.  But, I don't know that it really matters what 'defines' value because value has to come from within.  If I don't feel I'm valuable on my own, it doesn't matter how many people tell me I'm worthwhile as a person.  Don't get me wrong, it is nice to be reminded by others that I have value--but that is only a temporary fix.

It is somewhat ironic that I really don't trust most people, and yet I depend on others for my own sense of self-worth (even if it is temporary).  I'm dependent on others for as long as I need something external for a 'fix' of self-confidence.  This is one thing I need to be able to control, on my own.  What is more 'me' than my own sense of what makes me valuable as a person?

Gun Control

This isn't a fun post, and for that I apologize, but I'm writing this because last week, after the Colorado shootings, I had a very rude response by another fellow shooting victim because I posted something on Facebook that wasn't about gun control.  She said I was delusional for not being focused on gun control.  To make sure it's clear, I'm speaking as someone who was shot twice by someone who purchased their handguns legally--despite being treated for mental illness.   So, I'd really like to explain my thoughts so that others can try to understand.

The gut reaction to mass shootings is just to make it so people can't get guns at all--but would that really stop the violence?  Someone could run people over in their car, make a bomb, stab people, use a cross-bow.  There are many, many ways that someone who wants to hurt people can get the job done.  Right now gun are just the easiest to access and use.

I think we can all agree on a few things:

1. Bad people shouldn't be able to get guns
2. Crazy people shouldn't be able to get guns

What we don't agree on is:

1. Handguns should be banned
2. Semi-Automatic weapons should be banned
3. Assault rifles should be banned
4. Everyone should keep guns locked up in their homes
5. All guns should be banned

So my question is how do we come together--come to some sort of agreement about what should be done.  It seems like we should focus on what we CAN agree on rather than what we can't agree on.  We all know crazy and bad people shouldn't be able to get guns--so maybe better background checks, mental health evaluations, required gun safety classes, etc.  Right now even people on the terrorist watch list can buy guns... something is just wrong with that!  It seems silly to focus on the things we can't agree on when there are some simple things we can do to prevent mass shootings.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't change other gun laws that we can't agree on.  I just think that focusing on what we can get done quickly and efficiently seems to be a lot more logical than fighting over what sort of guns/clips should or should not be banned.

The other thing I find to be annoying is that there are virtually NO support sites for people who have been victims of shootings (I'm considering making one).  If people are so concerned about gun violence, then why aren't they providing more long term support to shooting victims?

There will always be killers, always be crazy people, and humans are violent and vulnerable beings.  No amount of government control will stop this.  All we can do is treat our neighbors as we treat ourselves, prepare for the worst, and plan for the best.

It has been a while...

This is going to be the first in a set of my totally unprofessional observation on what exercises help with various common aches and pains.  It blows my mind sometimes how easy it can be to treat those nagging pains with a few simple exercises and stretches.  Before you walk, move, or attempt anything, please contact a very expensive doctor to give you real medical advice.  What I do have is years of getting professional physical therapy, and in the process, have learned a lot of little tricks that I want to share.  So take this for what you will...

Knees Hurt??

Unless you have a serious medical issue, there are a few simple things you can do that will 'probably' treat that pain.  If you have serious swelling/redness or are suddenly hampered and in pain, then you probably need to see a doctor.  In lieu of that, you can use some ice and keep it elevated and rest to see if that allows improvement.  Don't forget the anti-inflammatory medicine (my favorite is naproxen)!!

Once you are at a point where you are feeling 'ok' on your feet, it will be important to start with some gentle stretches.  I'm going to give you a few different ways to do each stretch.  Try one each day (or more!) and decide which is right for you.

I did my own drawings, but you should be able to do a quick search and find better stuff online.  There will also be a summary video at the end of each section.  I should mention in advance that my hips are hyper flexible, so if you can't quite do things the same way I did, that is probably normal!  Don't be afraid to ask if you aren't sure though!

All stretches should be held for at least 20 seconds.  I like to take two deep breaths in and out (usually ends up closer to 30 seconds).  The area where you should feel the stretch is circled in red.  If you don't feel a stretch, make sure you are doing it right!  Don't force anything, especially if it hurts!  

Quad:  This is the group of muscles just above your knee on the front of your thigh.  You can stretch laying down or standing up.  Don't stretch both legs at the same time.  Make sure you also keep your back straight, as if these muscles are tight, the temptation is to arch your back instead of stretch the quads.

Don't try to do both legs at the same time--especially if you are standing!

Calf:  The muscles on the back of your lower leg.  It is important to keep your heel on the floor when you do this stretch.

IT Band:  This is a long connective tissue that runs from your hip down to your knee.  If the front, outside part of your quad muscle aches, it is probably from inflammation of your IT band.  I will admit, this one was tough to draw, but a quick google search for IT band stretches should turn up better images!

Hamstrings:

This is the big muscle group that runs all the way from your butt down to the heel of your foot.  You may be familiar with the common 'touching your toes' hamstring stretch from school.  Here are a few alternatives...

Hip Flexor:

The hip flexors helps you pull your knee up to your face.  It is an often forgotten muscle group and is crucial to stretch!

Glute Stretch:

Your glutes are the muscles in your butt area.  This is one muscle group where you might want to consider doing more than just one stretch--especially if you find that each stretch is felt in a slightly different area.

If you are confused, just google glute stretch images and you should find plenty of better examples!!

Inner/Outer Thigh:

These are actually some very important knee stabilization muscles that are also often forgotten.  You should feel the stretch on the inside and outside of your thigh.

Good luck with the stretching!  Remember, it should be something that is relaxing.  You can do it watching TV, while meditating, while working, really anytime.  The most difficult thing to find is space, but if you find yourself cramped, trying doing the stretches on your bed--most of them will work 'ok' on a bed.  Please let me know if I said something or did something wrong (which is highly likely given my splotchy knowledge of human anatomy).  Ask if you have questions!

Bad things happen...

Why do senseless acts of violence happen?  There really can't be any answer for that--that is why they are called senseless.  You can't 'really' avoid them, or stop them.  They just are.  The vast majority of people do not have hurtful intentions, but unfortunately there is no consistent way to control or stop the small number who do.  And, I would think we can all agree that someone with senseless hurtful intentions is almost definitely going to have some sort of mental illness.  Why else would they want to hurt people?  If this is true, it seems to me that we all have to accept the fact that sometimes violent people are going to hurt innocent others.  And, that innocent other could be you.

It never happened... Until now...

Now, this isn't to try to scare you (or me). This is actually a therapeutic realization, because it is realistic.  Bad things sometimes happen that are just totally out of your ability to control or stop.  Bad things don't happen because someone did something wrong or was stupid.  I mean, sometimes smart behavior can prevent problems, but when someone is just crazy violent mad they are going to find a way to hurt someone. This is just a sad fact of life.  Just like the sad fact that the summer hasn't started yet in Seattle.  Some things are just forces of nature that we can not control or prevent.  This isn't to say I don't want things to change, because I'd do about anything to either end all violence.... or have a warm sunny day :).  


Now, we all know that the chance of being a victim of one of these random senseless acts of violence is probably worse than your odds of winning the lottery.  But, it CAN and WILL happen to someone, somewhere.  There is no person or entity (police/govt/etc) with the power to predict, prevent, avoid, or control all random acts of violence.

So what does that say about our safety?  Well, it says that we can never be 100% safe.  That shouldn't be a surprise.  Bad things sometimes just happen.  It sucks.  It is smart to try to prevent and plan for bad things, but that doesn't somehow make you safe or invincible.  Strangely enough, this knowledge actually makes me feel more safe rather than less.  For a person who likes to control things, this is a huge huge relief, because it means that even if I were perfectly in control, I could still be a victim.  So, that means that obsessing over being in control and aware of a situation doesn't matter, which frees me up to think about other things.  Like how much I'd love for summer to start here in Seattle!!!

Even Super-man is vulnerable to things beyond his control...

Life Updates...

My mom reminded me that it would be good to have some updates on some of the different things I've talked about here.

My mood has been swinging quite a bit, from content-ish to miserable.  Not sure what exactly triggers these swings, so I'm trying to pay more attention.  I suspect it has something to do with finally accepting my disability and pain.  It's not going away.  It sucks.  I don't really know how to make my life any better.  I feel helpless. I can't control it.  I'm dependent on others.  And, all of that is ok.  It is what it is.  I'm not bad for having emotions.  Nothing is necessarily 'wrong' with me because I am sometimes sad.  I have to beat that into my head.  Or softly nudge it into my head in the kindest way possible :).  All that said, it makes it sorta tough for me to know 'when' I'm going to be feeling good or bad so that I can plan activities.  I think that's one of my biggest issues right now--I feel so trapped by my pain.    I have to figure out some way to both manage my pain, and do more.

Can chronic pain and happiness co-exist?

My chronic pain has lead to one good thing--therapeutic massage... oh its so so wonderful.  Makes me feel like all my muscles are butter... AND, the best thing is that my insurance covers it!  Just getting all the tension out is super nice, even if it doesn't make all of my pain go away.  Now, I get to go once a week for a while!  Woo-hoo!

I've cooked a few times since I last posted cooking pictures.  My latest was cooking what I like to call Cheesy Goodness.  Basically its a layer of potato slices, mixed vegis, another layer of potato slices all smothered in the cheesy goodness.  Cheesy goodness is basically heated milk with tons of cheese melted in and some spices :).  I sorta messed up my cheesy goodness this time, I think,  because I used 2% rather than whole milk (it was sorta watery at the end).  

CHEESE!!!!!

It has broccoli, so its healthy, right? 

I've also still been doing pushups, though I've had to stop increasing the number I was doing.  Right now I can do 30 in one go fairly easily.  That's good enough.  I already have trouble fitting my broad shoulders into my shirts--I don't need to be more buff.  BUT... I still need to work on my abs, which is tough since I really shouldn't do situps because it seems to really irritate my neck quite a bit. I've been doing flutter kicks, but not consistently.  I start physical therapy again in a week and I'm really looking forward to it!  I just have to remember to pace myself and not overdo it! 

And, speaking of not overdoing it, I've gotten rid of most of my stressful obligations at my job--no more stressing out for days about having to check my work e-mail. This has been making quite a difference, as I now can devote that energy to other things...

Like going on walks with Hesse and Nick at Golden Gardens instead of just sitting in the dog park!

My PTSD treatment is also coming to an end, and my next blog post will include a brief summary of what I feel about things now.  

Yup--she did this all by herself!