Things are probably going to turn out badly. This might be because I screw them up somehow. But, more often it will be because of something entirely out of my control. It might be a drunk driver or choking on a pretzel. I wait every day for something bad to happen to someone I love. Or me. Because, it will. Maybe not this week, or next, but it will. Bad news happens. People get cancer, they die, they have surgery, they get in car accidents, they get shot. I know, because I got shot on a Friday afternoon. Twice. For no good reason at all. By a deranged man who was somehow hoping to end the war (in 2006) between Israel and Lebanon. I know there are other crazy people out there. I have to watch for them. I can't trust strangers.
I'm coming to recognize this is, apparently, typical thinking for someone with PTSD. I think the onset of my symptoms was delayed because I had 'hope' that somehow finishing my Masters degree would make things better. When it didn't, I lost my purpose. I still had pain, I couldn't work. I kept (and still keep) thinking "what next". My unconscious answer: "Wait for something bad to happen..."
Now, don't think that this is generally the dominant thought in my mind, but it is always there. Like a gnat buzzing in your ear. Sometimes it goes away for a moment, but then it comes right back. This continues until it gets to a point where you are dreading the return of the gnat, even when he isn't there. That's kinda how some of my thinking is now. And, it isn't like it comes all together (as above). It leaves little hints here and there in my mind and in my life. Expecting my dog to be dead when I wake up in the morning (and having nightmares of exactly that). My lack of effort to keep a close connection to many friends and relatives. Why develop attachment when something bad could happen to them, or when you might say something dumb to annoy that person and not even know what you did. My fear of responsibility. These are some of the puzzle pieces that I am slowly trying to assemble to make a larger picture of what is going on.
This blog helps with that--and so even though it seems like this talk is very negative, it helps to express what is going on in my mind. To come clean, so to speak, about my emotions and thought process--both with myself and with those who take the time to read this.
And, as always, I try to finish up with a video or two. This time we have a close up of our bog/pond and all of the wildlife that enjoys it.
Then, videos from Chuck's when it is actually busy--From both the employee and patron's perspective.
My video (more discrete so people wouldn't notice):
And then Nick's video from the employee perspective:
Life is good in it's own way... despite all my difficulties it still makes me happy to see the birdies in our pond and proud to know I played a small part in helping make Chuck's what it is today. I guess the message is that even when expecting something bad, never be blind to the good things in life.
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