Bad things happen...

Why do senseless acts of violence happen?  There really can't be any answer for that--that is why they are called senseless.  You can't 'really' avoid them, or stop them.  They just are.  The vast majority of people do not have hurtful intentions, but unfortunately there is no consistent way to control or stop the small number who do.  And, I would think we can all agree that someone with senseless hurtful intentions is almost definitely going to have some sort of mental illness.  Why else would they want to hurt people?  If this is true, it seems to me that we all have to accept the fact that sometimes violent people are going to hurt innocent others.  And, that innocent other could be you.

It never happened... Until now...

Now, this isn't to try to scare you (or me). This is actually a therapeutic realization, because it is realistic.  Bad things sometimes happen that are just totally out of your ability to control or stop.  Bad things don't happen because someone did something wrong or was stupid.  I mean, sometimes smart behavior can prevent problems, but when someone is just crazy violent mad they are going to find a way to hurt someone. This is just a sad fact of life.  Just like the sad fact that the summer hasn't started yet in Seattle.  Some things are just forces of nature that we can not control or prevent.  This isn't to say I don't want things to change, because I'd do about anything to either end all violence.... or have a warm sunny day :).  


Now, we all know that the chance of being a victim of one of these random senseless acts of violence is probably worse than your odds of winning the lottery.  But, it CAN and WILL happen to someone, somewhere.  There is no person or entity (police/govt/etc) with the power to predict, prevent, avoid, or control all random acts of violence.

So what does that say about our safety?  Well, it says that we can never be 100% safe.  That shouldn't be a surprise.  Bad things sometimes just happen.  It sucks.  It is smart to try to prevent and plan for bad things, but that doesn't somehow make you safe or invincible.  Strangely enough, this knowledge actually makes me feel more safe rather than less.  For a person who likes to control things, this is a huge huge relief, because it means that even if I were perfectly in control, I could still be a victim.  So, that means that obsessing over being in control and aware of a situation doesn't matter, which frees me up to think about other things.  Like how much I'd love for summer to start here in Seattle!!!

Even Super-man is vulnerable to things beyond his control...

Life Updates...

My mom reminded me that it would be good to have some updates on some of the different things I've talked about here.

My mood has been swinging quite a bit, from content-ish to miserable.  Not sure what exactly triggers these swings, so I'm trying to pay more attention.  I suspect it has something to do with finally accepting my disability and pain.  It's not going away.  It sucks.  I don't really know how to make my life any better.  I feel helpless. I can't control it.  I'm dependent on others.  And, all of that is ok.  It is what it is.  I'm not bad for having emotions.  Nothing is necessarily 'wrong' with me because I am sometimes sad.  I have to beat that into my head.  Or softly nudge it into my head in the kindest way possible :).  All that said, it makes it sorta tough for me to know 'when' I'm going to be feeling good or bad so that I can plan activities.  I think that's one of my biggest issues right now--I feel so trapped by my pain.    I have to figure out some way to both manage my pain, and do more.

Can chronic pain and happiness co-exist?

My chronic pain has lead to one good thing--therapeutic massage... oh its so so wonderful.  Makes me feel like all my muscles are butter... AND, the best thing is that my insurance covers it!  Just getting all the tension out is super nice, even if it doesn't make all of my pain go away.  Now, I get to go once a week for a while!  Woo-hoo!

I've cooked a few times since I last posted cooking pictures.  My latest was cooking what I like to call Cheesy Goodness.  Basically its a layer of potato slices, mixed vegis, another layer of potato slices all smothered in the cheesy goodness.  Cheesy goodness is basically heated milk with tons of cheese melted in and some spices :).  I sorta messed up my cheesy goodness this time, I think,  because I used 2% rather than whole milk (it was sorta watery at the end).  

CHEESE!!!!!

It has broccoli, so its healthy, right? 

I've also still been doing pushups, though I've had to stop increasing the number I was doing.  Right now I can do 30 in one go fairly easily.  That's good enough.  I already have trouble fitting my broad shoulders into my shirts--I don't need to be more buff.  BUT... I still need to work on my abs, which is tough since I really shouldn't do situps because it seems to really irritate my neck quite a bit. I've been doing flutter kicks, but not consistently.  I start physical therapy again in a week and I'm really looking forward to it!  I just have to remember to pace myself and not overdo it! 

And, speaking of not overdoing it, I've gotten rid of most of my stressful obligations at my job--no more stressing out for days about having to check my work e-mail. This has been making quite a difference, as I now can devote that energy to other things...

Like going on walks with Hesse and Nick at Golden Gardens instead of just sitting in the dog park!

My PTSD treatment is also coming to an end, and my next blog post will include a brief summary of what I feel about things now.  

Yup--she did this all by herself!

Life, Expectations and Responsibility...

I know it's been a while since my last post...  Once I started to realize that people were actually reading this, I got a little worried.  What if my writing was boring or nobody wanted to read it any more?  What if I offended someone?   What if I mis-spell something or miss a comma?

Then there was the recent Seattle shooting where 5 were killed.  Since that day, I've probably had twice as many nightmares and moments of panic.  In this shooting, an angry man who had been apparently shunned/kicked out of a cafe came in and shot 5 people (one survived), then drove downtown, and pulled another random woman out of her car and killed her.  This could happen ANYWHERE!  Urgg, I hate being reminded of the terror caused by random senseless acts of violence.  It happens in the city and the country.  There is no way to really prevent a violent person from buying a gun, and you can't legislate against that unless the person in question has committed a felony.  Changing the gun laws won't stop these random killings.  It 'might' help prevent some crimes, but I suspect that a violent person will be violent whether or not they have a gun.  Sorry for the rant--just needed to make that clear!

Then, as icing on the cake, my sweet sweet grandma passed away.  It was her time, and she was ready to go.  No need to be sad about that--but its still bittersweet when I think about how I wish I had called her more.

So, anyways, I've been getting less sleep, which makes me cranky, and much less in the mood for writing.... or reading... or just about anything other than just being pitiful and sad.

I've talked about my patterns of behavior in the past--getting excited about doing something, starting to do it and realizing that its more work than I can do, and then giving up on everything....

Step 1 of the cycle of doom

Step 2--the beginning of the end

Step 3--total exhaustion and loss of will-power

So, how do I break this cycle?  It's important for me to set some limits on what I do and do not do during the day.

I need to:

-say NO much more often
-reserve most of my fairly limited energy for things that I 'want' to do (otherwise I just end up resenting the            fact that I waste all of my energy on un-fun things)
-not give up too easily on something that truly interests me
-remember that it's ok to take time for myself each day

This will hopefully keep my to-do list fairly short and interspersed with fun things.  I also need to not give up! I just read a really interesting article about how failure and character development are more important than IQ when it comes to success.  It is important to realize that good things sometimes take hard work to achieve.  I want to work harder, but ONLY on things that truly interest me.  There is absolutely no reason to waste my limited energy on anything else!