Choosing to Live

Whew... life has a way of keeping you busy and distracted.

I've been in a bad place, really bad, for the last months.  The struggles I've mentioned in previous posts have come to a head like a giant zit on your nose the day of senior photos, or prom, or whatever your worst nightmare might be.

Stupid Zits, ruining everything!!!

I've had a pretty serious case of the "can'ts", that I have now come to recognize as full blown Post Traumatic Stress.  It just feels like anything I do, or say, or decide could lead to some sort of terrible thing.  The world is a scary place where bad things happen, and I seem to have a hard time seeing it in any other way.  I want to be in total control, so bad things won't happen, and that often leads to my not doing anything because I know I can't have that control and it terrifies me.

This is part of what PTSD does to you--your mind gets stuck in that bad place it was in at the time of the trauma, and trying to unstick it is about as hard as stealing honey from a grizzly bear...  Sometimes it is possible to live in denial and keep pushing through,(as I did very successfully for several years after the shooting) but generally trying to ignore bad emotions results in not being able to see or feel the good things in life either.

That Bear is gonna guard the honey with his vicious teeth!!

Unfortunately, if life seems bad (or at best grey), for long enough it makes it pretty tough to motivate yourself to do much of anything at all.  Inspiration is gone, and the "can'ts" come to get ya.  It is easy to get discouraged, then I end up feeling terrible about myself, which in turn leads to more self pity, doubt, indecisiveness, hopelessness and fear.  This, of course, makes the "can'ts" even worse, and a vicious cycle begins.

As the anxiety-driven 'excuses' mount, so does the self-criticism

I find myself looking for any way to avoid discomfort or difficulty  because I feel like my every day is painful, difficult and without reward.  I want a vacation from these feelings, but I can't get away from my own body or mind.  So, I get behind on almost everything and fail my friends and family in increasingly dramatic and annoying ways.  Unfortunately, despite knowing that this doesn't do anything to help decrease discomfort or difficulty, I still want that escape; the freedom from being me.  I want freedom from knowing that my decisions may have undesirable (and deadly) side-effects.  I want freedom from the physical and emotional scars left by the shooting.  I want to be able to trust again, and believe that the world can be a good place.

But, why the misery?  How did things get to this place?  Well, part of it is that I still haven't quite figured out what my 'new' identity is (a re-occurring theme in the blog, which is why I looked at values in a previous post).  Who am I, and what is important to me. Am I a cripple?  A shooting victim?  A lazy bum who takes advantage of the system because I feel sorry for myself?  All I know is that I still feel in my heart that I am just a normal person like everyone else.  But, physically and emotionally, I'm a changed person, and I have yet to accept the new hand of cards life dealt me.   Until then I may keep breathing, but I'm not really living.  I'm choosing to avoid life as much as possible because I have yet to relearn how to really live.

That said, things are on the up.  My new psychologist is amazing, and I've been learning more about self compassion from a book given to me by a friend.  I'm learning to be gentle with myself, to break the cycle of guilt, anxiety and the need to control.  I am choosing to live again, to feel joy as well as sadness.  And, I know I am not alone.  Choosing to live means taking the burdensome (but necessary) parts in stride and forgiving myself for my mistakes, while never forgetting that sometimes I do things well, and that some tasks can be fun.  Oh and I can't forget the need to play and relax on occasion :).

It is a difficult battle, and will take time, but I have confidence that I can win as I choose to live